L.O: Can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they nervously leapt from the tower ledge, they plummeted down towards the glistening beige sand. Then suddenly, the feathered wings unfurled. They shot up! Soon enough Icarus and Daedalus were drifting in the afternoon breeze. At first Icarus was petrified, but in a few minutes, he was gliding through the air like a graceful, swift dove. But then, Icarus started to get over confident. Daedalus had warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, but Icarus was very big headed. So he flew as high as he could, and said to himself; “I can fly higher than Apollo.” Apollo had heard this, and was very angry. So he told the blazing sun to shoot its blinding sun rays at Icarus.
Icarus had begun to feel drips of hot liquid onto his leg. It was wax. The bright sun rays had made the flaky wax melt and let loose of the feathered wings. He was frozen with horror. Icarus was plunging down towards the deep churning sea, when he crashed into the azure, navy water.
Great writing Emma
I love the use of nervously because it suggests there their are not really to shore if they should do it or not. I also really like ‘ when he crashed into the azure, navy sea’ because it tells the reader what colour the sea is.
Hi Emm I really liked how you used plunged I that sentence because it really shows the speed . Kell
A very well paced piece. We are given a gentle, calm beginning then the style changes and becomes very dramatic and tense. The short sentence ‘It was wax’ is very effective – we see events from Icarus’ perspective.
This is fantastic Emma! Your variation in sentence lengths is very effective in building the tension through your writing. We also have the contrast of words like ‘unfurled, gliding, drifting and graceful’ with ‘plummeted, plunging, churning and horror’, which contribute to this tension. Very effective choices which have a marked effect on your reader. Well done!
Mrs Grant
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much for your comments. I used the short sentence because I wanted to create a tense affect that was dramatic.