LO: Can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they leapt off the tower ledge the white glistening wings unfolded and they shot up. Then all of a sudden they both glided across the sea. Icarus got the hang of flying but he flew to high so Dadilies had to call him back but Icarus did not listen, soon after that Icarus was competing against the sun god Apollo. After a short amount of time Apollo shone his light over the glistening towns, then suddenly Icarus’ wax started to melt and dripped into the sea, after a few seconds of sweating and worrying Icarus plummeted into the blue sea of DEATH!
The final line gives a great insight into Icarus’ emotions. The sense of a competition with Apollo is very appropriate to the tale – a subtle indication of Icarus’ extreme pride which is the cause of his fall. Do you think that he realises his mistake as he is falling?
Poor Icarus – he has clearly suffered for his pride. I really like the way you have contrasted the verbs gliding (peaceful and calm) with plummeted (fast and chaotic). This really helps the reader to tune into the action when reading your work. Your use of time adverbials clearly indicates how the events are unfolding. Can you think of a different adjective to describe the towns so you don’t repeat glistening. Sometimes repetition can be very effective, sometimes it reduces the impact of the word. Well done, Oskar!
Mrs Grant