LO: Can I retell the end of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
They tumbled down before they were inches from the cold hard ground. Then there wings spurted out like a jack in a box. They darted up. The two of them drifted past the turbulent sea. They were becoming very good and Icarus wasn’t one to hide it. When they first took off his father warned him not to fly to far but he ignored and disobeyed. He went higher and higher. He claimed he could go higher than the mighty god Apollo. He didn’t stop rising. He was in reach of the sun. He was scorching. The wax started to drip, the feathers swayed from side to side. Sooner than later he was plunging down to the roaring sea. Splash.
The end
amazing writing Will.
I love the use of plunging because it gives the reader an sense of uncontrolled and rapid decent.
Hi Will I liked the verb tumbled because it tells me how they were falling. I like the word scorching because it tells me the sun was very hot.
great use of verbs and noun phrases Will.
I like it when you said the turbulent sea it shows the sea is rough and wiled and the use of the word plunged because it shows that he is out of control and that he is falling at allot of speed.
The use of short sentences is a very effective way to build up tension. The way that you focus on individual details (the feathers, the wax) becomes like the close-up camera shots in a film.
I agree and the verbs are excellent.The Verbs you have used really give a sense of what the character is doing and how they are completing their movement.
I have read through your comment and i’m pleased you liked it. I tried to build the tension up. Do you think i have accomplished this? Thank you.
Some fantastic contrasts in this, Will – moving from the cold, hard ground, to the melting wax dripping. Your choices of vocabulary to describe these really help your reader to understand what is happening to Icarus. Well done!
Mrs Grant
Thank you for your complimentary comment. I worked really hard and put lots of effort and i’m pleased with the outcome. Thank you.