Lo: can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they leapt from the tower ledge, plunging down, their gorgeous wings sprung up just as they were about to hit the rough concrete ground. There was a summer breeze and the air thermos keeping them up soon enough they were gracefully flying and soaring everywhere. They darted from here to there. They could see the tall king’s tower below them in the background it was a fantastic view and they were gliding so well. Their wings fitted perfectly onto their throbbing backs now blistered because they had been up in in the air flying for so long. Icarus was going higher and higher until… `I am the best at flying, I can even fly higher than all the gods on mount Olympus. ` Although Apollo had heard this terrible news and he was furious. Apollo had seen that they had attached their wing onto their backs with wax so Apollo sent down his rays of sun to melt all the wax off their backs. Daedulus tried to warn Icarus not to glide too high to the sun, however Icarus took no notice of Daedulus` words and completely ignored everything his father had said to him. No instead Icarus went as far as he could go right next to the sun. Icarus had now plummeted straight in to the ocean slap bang in the middle of the sea. He was never to be seen again!
The end!
We really get a sense of why Icarus wants to fly so high. Also, a strong sense of contrast between two characters is created – Apollo and Daedalus. One is trying to save Icarus, the other wishes to punish him.
You have chosen your verbs and noun phrases carefully here, Rand, and your choices really help your reader to picture the scene as they read. I really like the way you have order the words in this noun phrase: “their throbbing backs, now blistered”. It is very creative, emphasising the discomfort from flying so much, as well as the effects of the heat of the sun. Try to vary the length of your sentences a bit another time – I’m sure you know how effective a short sentence can be to build up the tension! Well done!
Mrs Grant
Thank you for your comments.I used the short sentence because I wanted to create a really good image in the readers mind and I also tried to use more complex sentences in my work so I will use different sentences next time.