Thursday 1st October 2015
Lo: can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they darted down the king’s tower their tender ivory white wings spread out across their blistering backs .they glided up! They soared across the electric blue sky their feathered wings easily cutting through the rushing air. Icarus swiftly started to shoot upwards towards the scorching sun. “Boy don’t fly to high” cried dadelus but icarus was swooping and twisting above him to notice. “ with my talent for this flying I could do anything even take on the sun god” whispered icarus with a smirk. The furious sun god Apollo over heard and sent the beaming rays of the sun to melt the wax sticking the battered wings together. the sun shone upon icarus and slowly red wax started to trickle down his back. Then suddenly icarus started to fall ,icarus tumbled out of the sky and plunged down into the crashing sea below, the impact crumpling every bones in his body. for years icarus rotted in the furious sea forgotten by all but his father who wept for the rest of his life .
Excellent writing Jemima!
I really like the verb ‘darted’ because it is more effective than the word shot. I also like the verb ‘furious’ because you can tell what the sun god, Apollo is feeling.
A great combination of dramatic action and convincing direct speech. The use of perspective is very effective – we see details close-up before journeying backwards to see the entire sky-scape. The suggestion of emotion is interesting – are these mythological characters and gods human in the same way that we are?
An impressive piece of writing, Jemima. You’ve made very careful vocabulary choices to build a clear description of events for your reader, just as authors do! If you were to read this to me whilst I had my eyes closed, I would be able to build a very detailed picture in my mind! Well done!
Mrs Grant
Thank you for your comments , I really like all the verbs that i have used because it really makes the story more dramatic.