LO: Can I use noun phrases and accurate verb choice to help carry a theme through a piece of writing?
Darkness. Icarus exceedingly heavy eyelids slid open. It was all a blur; he was plummeting, tumbling out of the azure blue sky. The churning unforgiving water rushing up before him and…Silence. It all came crystal clear, he was in the underworld. The overwhelming despair, surged through his body, the horrifying truth dawned on him. He was dead. An expression of melancholy spread across his face, he could remember it all, tears began streaming, cascading down his face, and he had thrown his life away. He stared all around him, the vast nothingness of the underworld made up his surroundings. He was never going to see his father, Daedalus, again; because of what? Because he thought he was far superior at flying than Helios. He was a fool, for aggravating a God; for thinking he could defeat Apollo at his own game. He was to be a prisoner of the underworld forever more.
A superb piece of writing – Icarus’ gradual realisation is really well described. The use of sound and imagery makes a very vivid piece of action, almost cinematic. Maybe think about how ‘remembering’ is connected to melancholy – how can memories of the past make him sad in this way? The structure is well paced and really draws in the reader.
Thank you for your generous comment . I worked very hard and I am extremely pleased with it. My aim was to draw in the reader so I am glad I have succeeded in that aspect.
This is very impressive indeed, Max! Well done! You lead your reader into Icarus’ mind slowly but surely – I love the single word sentence to start. Your readers join him and share his thoughts as he becomes ever more aware of the horror of his new reality. What do you think the effect would be if you rewrote this in the present tense?
Mrs Grant
I am glad you enjoyed reading my writing. If this was written in the present tense it would make the writing probably slightly more dramatic as it describes his journey as he realizes he is in the underworld slightly better.