Lo: Can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they plummeted down from the side of the tower, the silk wings unfolded in the summer breeze. They began to glide up in the azure sky. Soon after they had master flying, and were gracefully souring through the clouds. Daedalus started to become worried and warned Icarus not to go to high but Icarus ignored Daedalus and darted higher and higher. Until the scorching wax burned his blistering back in the sunlight. He suddenly found himself plummeting down in to the monstrous pounding sea below him that swallowed him whole.
DARKNESS!
i really like your writing Lillie,
I really like the use of ‘plummeted’ because to me it has a real sense of speed to it.I also really like the use of ‘the azure sky’ because otherwise if you use ‘the sky’ it doesn’t give as much detail to the story of Icarus.
Great work Lillie.
I really liked the word ‘Darkness’ because it shows that Icarus is dead because he hit the water so hard that his bones snapped.
Hi Lillie,
I like how you used ‘monstrous, pounding sea.’ it really describes how scary the sea is, making Icarus petrified.
I like “summers breeze” because it tells you what time of year it is, what weather it probably is and how fresh the air is.
FANTASTIC writing Lillie!
It really gets into the theme of the story Lillie. The noun phrase where you said “Until the scorching wax burned his blistering back ” because that is really intothe theme of death it makes it sound really painful beacause it is and makes it sound more interesting
The texture of the wings is described very well indeed. The use of ‘swallowed’ is interesting – it makes the sea into a living person (personification). This is perhaps appropriate give the mythological gods of the sea!
thank you!
This is great, Lillie. You have thought very carefully about what you want your reader to picture in their minds as they are reading your work, just as authors do. Some super contrasts too – temperature, emotions, movement – all of which are built through your choice of vocabulary. Well done!
Mrs Grant
thank you for your comments I wanted to express what and how Icarus was feeling through out the story.