LO: Can I retell the ending of a story using noun phrases and accurate verb choice?
As they tumbled from the tower ledge they nearly struck the golden sand. Their powerful feathered wings on their backs began to unfold in the breeze. They shot up. Icarus glided across the shimmering sea below them. They were flying. Daedalus knew if he flew to close to the flaming sun the burning wax would melt. So he told Icarus, who was becoming over confident. Daedalus told him to stay at the height of the vast mountains on the coast line. But Icarus didn’t listen. Icarus had mastered it, he had become very ignorant. He soared higher and above the height his Daedalus had told him to stay below. Then the confident Icarus hovered to close to the shining sun above him. Helios the son god felt cheated. Icarus was boasting about how great he was, claiming that he was better than the sun god. Helios didn’t like this Icarus still didn’t listen and climbed higher. Daedalus warned Icarus again but it was too late. The beaming flaming sun rays hit the hot wax. Icarus had thoughts racing through his head that didn’t make sense. Then Daedalus’s great fear became true. The burning wax on Icarus’s back flowed down to the raging sea.
I like all the interesting verbs you have you have used such as glided as it gives a sense of how hes moving across the sky.
thank you, yes gliding works well.
A very elegant, sophisticated piece of writing. Maybe you could think about what thoughts were happening inside Daedalus’ head? The connection between the flowing wax and the liquid sea is a fantastic use of imagery.
I really like the use of ‘the shimmering sea below’ because it shows that the sun is shining on the water.
You’ve built the tension very effectively in this piece of work, Mazie. A real rollercoaster of emotions which is enhanced by a variation of sentence lengths too, just like published authors do! Well done!
Mrs Grant
Thank you. In the story there is a big roller coaster of emotion. The story changes so quickly. First Icarus is trying to escape then he has too much pride.